Christmas is coming!

Sorry! I know it's 22nd September and it always drives me mad when I start to see tinsel in shops from August onwards... but I got asked this week what we're doing for Christmas.

From the work I've done with couples divorcing, I know that this time of year can be a time for dragons to come out to play. Especially the first year for a family.

.

It can be a time to really bring home the fact that you're now parenting apart, and that you need to think about the logistics of where the children will be when, and this can often be a time when the children can be used as weapons or their needs put behind the agenda of the parents.

So - ask yourself this - what is required by you and your ex-partner to ensure that Christmas (or whichever religious festival you celebrate) is still magical for your children?

What is important? What is unimportant? What do you want for the people involved? Where can you compromise?

Also think about your own needs. If your children are going to be somewhere else during part of this period - what opportunities does this offer you? Would you like to sit in a dark room listening to sad songs counting every minute - or would you like to spend it with friends/family/complete strangers? You have a world of possibility.

It doesn't have to be 'The Worst Christmas Ever'. Start planning. Start thinking about what you'll do during this time and decide today that Christmas is not cancelled. It'll just look different this year.

Christmas is coming - plan today to use yours to springboard into a fantastic 2010! You may find lightbulb moments everywhere!

Prejudiced? Me?

The topic of prejudice has been floating around this week - and I begun to wonder how prejudice shows up in divorce and how it can limit the options available.

There are some obvious ones which apply to gender based roles such as childcare, however there are some more pernicious ones which lurk beneath the surface and have a cancerous effect on the family dynamic.

After a split it's likely that one or both of the couple will begin a new relationship - and that's where the hidden prejudices can show up.

The new lover is likely to come into contact with the children and it can often be a source of both stress and conflict with people rationalising some outrageous behaviour on the grounds of a prejudice that can be 'justified' (often by a 'helpful' friend nodding and agreeing..)

When this happens the prejudice will feed an inner fear ("the new boyfriend is too flashy" can really mask "I don't think I'm providing enough financially" or "the new girlfriend so false" covers "I'm worried the kids will like her better than me") which can cause people to act from fear (and saboteur) rather than thinking about what's in the best interest of the family as a whole.

So when new people join the family (and make no bones about it a new partner for your ex is part of the family now) it's important to gain some perspective and consider how you want to be during this transition - rather than following the prejudices that can cause you to act in ways that might make you cringe in a few years time.

Ask yourself:

"What is it about this new person that I dislike so much and what might be a prejudice behind it?"

"What could this person bring that could positively benefit my child?"

"What will the impact on my child be if I'm open about my negative feelings to this person?"

"What would it take to not be driven by my fears and insecurities?"

We all have fears and insecurities - it's part of being human - where we get to triumph is to allow those fears and insecurities to exist - and not have them run the show.

Think about the life you want for you and your children - and make choices which move you nearer to that goal.

The power of clear positive requests

“If you do what you always did, you’ll get what you always got”.

I remember when I first heard that phrase. It seemed so blindingly obvious that it was almost frustrating. Yet I realise that both I and my clients often are stuck in repeating loops of behaviour, wanting something to change magically and forgetting that the most powerful way to initiate change is to do something yourself.

I see clients who are very clear what they want from a loved one, boss, colleague, family member, etc and yet feel unable to articulate it due to a 'saboteur' voice which locks them down into inaction.

The voice focuses on everything that might go wrong or that justifies staying silent. Timeless classics like “I shouldn’t have to say” or “It’ll cause an argument” or “I’ll get in trouble”.

Mostly these are just excuses. Whilst you can always find a reason not to do something, you can always find a reason to do something too. So it becomes whether you’re prepared to tolerate not having what you want.

Clear, positive requests are very powerful. Saying what you want to happen can literally change the world around you.

Human nature tends to be to give the opposite however. Typically we focus on the negative behaviour that we want to stop, rather than the positive behaviour we want to replace it with.

There was a study which examined the effects of positive versus negative requests. When people asked to carry full glasses of water were told “don’t spill it” then often did so. When told to “carry it carefully” the results were dramatically different, with a marked increase in success.

When you’ve decided that you want to bring about a change in your life, a relationship or at work, think about what it is that you or someone else needs to do differently. If it’s someone else that needs to change then the best way to bring this about is to make a clear and positive request.

That person then gets to choose if they will, and at least they know exactly what you want. You then can negotiate or make other decisions depending on the outcome.

Think about a change that you want to make in your life today – and go and make that powerful clear and positive request!

Enjoy your actions!

We all need a reboot now and then

Yesterday was a fun day. I joined the world of blogging in order to spread the message about what coaching can do to support both lawyers and their clients during divorce, and learnt (the basics) of a whole new skill set.

I updated my website with some tasty additions and pressed what I thought was the button that would share my brand new virtual self with the wide blue yonder. Or so I thought!

Cue two hours of trying to undo what I'd done as my website died and all the people who were reading my new blog who tried to access the website got an error message.

It's working again this morning - as ever it was something tiny which caused the downfall - and as I switched my perspective from 'tension' to 'relaxation' I couldn't help laughing to myself about how the last 12 hours were a perfect metaphor for the services I offer my clients:

1. I'd decided on a change (updating the website)


2. I decided I'd also try something new (blogging)


3. I got some basic self taught information (all hail google!)


4. I made the change and it went differently to how I expected (it stopped working!)


5. I experienced a whole spectrum of emotions about what it meant to have failed (self doubt, sadness, anger, frustration, fear, disappointment)


6. I asked for help - got it - and now it's working (thank you to the people @ itanswers in Liverpool) because with their input I fixed it myself

It's exactly the same with the work I do with clients. Often they show up around numbers 5 or 6 above and often they'll look to me for solutions and nearly all of the time they know exactly what the solution they want is - it's just a case of working together to bring it into sharp focus.

So I invite you all to check out the new id-coaching website - and I'll follow my own advice and ask for help again here - if you see anything incorrect or not working on it please tell me!

Enjoy the day

Simon

http://www.id-coaching.co.uk/

Paralysed by fear

I've noticed recently that some of my clients have a fear about getting divorced which can be paralysing for them. Witnessing people who are successful, confident and incredibly powerful people, become so doubting of themselves when making a decision to change something that's making them unhappy is a phenomenon that I see regularly, and it goes beyond normal uncertainty about what might happen after a big change.

So what's the fear about?

In coaching we refer to a concept called 'the Saboteur'. It embodies the part of yourself that has a glass which is firmly 'half empty' (sometimes there's no glass at all!) and it tells us all the reasons why doing the thing which may bring us joy and fulfillment, may in fact do the complete opposite and cause the sky to fall. So we do nothing.

When confronted by this - ask yourself 3 questions:

1. What's really at risk and what is the real likelihood of the worst case scenario happening?
2. What are 5 other outcomes that might happen as well as the 'best' and 'worst' case scenarios?
3. What will change if I do nothing? (hint: it will change - nothing stays the same!)

Think about the areas in your life where your Saboteur is running the show - then take control back!

Have a great week.

Simon