The topic of prejudice has been floating around this week - and I begun to wonder how prejudice shows up in divorce and how it can limit the options available.
There are some obvious ones which apply to gender based roles such as childcare, however there are some more pernicious ones which lurk beneath the surface and have a cancerous effect on the family dynamic.
After a split it's likely that one or both of the couple will begin a new relationship - and that's where the hidden prejudices can show up.
The new lover is likely to come into contact with the children and it can often be a source of both stress and conflict with people rationalising some outrageous behaviour on the grounds of a prejudice that can be 'justified' (often by a 'helpful' friend nodding and agreeing..)
When this happens the prejudice will feed an inner fear ("the new boyfriend is too flashy" can really mask "I don't think I'm providing enough financially" or "the new girlfriend so false" covers "I'm worried the kids will like her better than me") which can cause people to act from fear (and saboteur) rather than thinking about what's in the best interest of the family as a whole.
So when new people join the family (and make no bones about it a new partner for your ex is part of the family now) it's important to gain some perspective and consider how you want to be during this transition - rather than following the prejudices that can cause you to act in ways that might make you cringe in a few years time.
Ask yourself:
"What is it about this new person that I dislike so much and what might be a prejudice behind it?"
"What could this person bring that could positively benefit my child?"
"What will the impact on my child be if I'm open about my negative feelings to this person?"
"What would it take to not be driven by my fears and insecurities?"
We all have fears and insecurities - it's part of being human - where we get to triumph is to allow those fears and insecurities to exist - and not have them run the show.
Think about the life you want for you and your children - and make choices which move you nearer to that goal.
There are some obvious ones which apply to gender based roles such as childcare, however there are some more pernicious ones which lurk beneath the surface and have a cancerous effect on the family dynamic.
After a split it's likely that one or both of the couple will begin a new relationship - and that's where the hidden prejudices can show up.
The new lover is likely to come into contact with the children and it can often be a source of both stress and conflict with people rationalising some outrageous behaviour on the grounds of a prejudice that can be 'justified' (often by a 'helpful' friend nodding and agreeing..)
When this happens the prejudice will feed an inner fear ("the new boyfriend is too flashy" can really mask "I don't think I'm providing enough financially" or "the new girlfriend so false" covers "I'm worried the kids will like her better than me") which can cause people to act from fear (and saboteur) rather than thinking about what's in the best interest of the family as a whole.
So when new people join the family (and make no bones about it a new partner for your ex is part of the family now) it's important to gain some perspective and consider how you want to be during this transition - rather than following the prejudices that can cause you to act in ways that might make you cringe in a few years time.
Ask yourself:
"What is it about this new person that I dislike so much and what might be a prejudice behind it?"
"What could this person bring that could positively benefit my child?"
"What will the impact on my child be if I'm open about my negative feelings to this person?"
"What would it take to not be driven by my fears and insecurities?"
We all have fears and insecurities - it's part of being human - where we get to triumph is to allow those fears and insecurities to exist - and not have them run the show.
Think about the life you want for you and your children - and make choices which move you nearer to that goal.
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