The power of clear positive requests

“If you do what you always did, you’ll get what you always got”.

I remember when I first heard that phrase. It seemed so blindingly obvious that it was almost frustrating. Yet I realise that both I and my clients often are stuck in repeating loops of behaviour, wanting something to change magically and forgetting that the most powerful way to initiate change is to do something yourself.

I see clients who are very clear what they want from a loved one, boss, colleague, family member, etc and yet feel unable to articulate it due to a 'saboteur' voice which locks them down into inaction.

The voice focuses on everything that might go wrong or that justifies staying silent. Timeless classics like “I shouldn’t have to say” or “It’ll cause an argument” or “I’ll get in trouble”.

Mostly these are just excuses. Whilst you can always find a reason not to do something, you can always find a reason to do something too. So it becomes whether you’re prepared to tolerate not having what you want.

Clear, positive requests are very powerful. Saying what you want to happen can literally change the world around you.

Human nature tends to be to give the opposite however. Typically we focus on the negative behaviour that we want to stop, rather than the positive behaviour we want to replace it with.

There was a study which examined the effects of positive versus negative requests. When people asked to carry full glasses of water were told “don’t spill it” then often did so. When told to “carry it carefully” the results were dramatically different, with a marked increase in success.

When you’ve decided that you want to bring about a change in your life, a relationship or at work, think about what it is that you or someone else needs to do differently. If it’s someone else that needs to change then the best way to bring this about is to make a clear and positive request.

That person then gets to choose if they will, and at least they know exactly what you want. You then can negotiate or make other decisions depending on the outcome.

Think about a change that you want to make in your life today – and go and make that powerful clear and positive request!

Enjoy your actions!

We all need a reboot now and then

Yesterday was a fun day. I joined the world of blogging in order to spread the message about what coaching can do to support both lawyers and their clients during divorce, and learnt (the basics) of a whole new skill set.

I updated my website with some tasty additions and pressed what I thought was the button that would share my brand new virtual self with the wide blue yonder. Or so I thought!

Cue two hours of trying to undo what I'd done as my website died and all the people who were reading my new blog who tried to access the website got an error message.

It's working again this morning - as ever it was something tiny which caused the downfall - and as I switched my perspective from 'tension' to 'relaxation' I couldn't help laughing to myself about how the last 12 hours were a perfect metaphor for the services I offer my clients:

1. I'd decided on a change (updating the website)


2. I decided I'd also try something new (blogging)


3. I got some basic self taught information (all hail google!)


4. I made the change and it went differently to how I expected (it stopped working!)


5. I experienced a whole spectrum of emotions about what it meant to have failed (self doubt, sadness, anger, frustration, fear, disappointment)


6. I asked for help - got it - and now it's working (thank you to the people @ itanswers in Liverpool) because with their input I fixed it myself

It's exactly the same with the work I do with clients. Often they show up around numbers 5 or 6 above and often they'll look to me for solutions and nearly all of the time they know exactly what the solution they want is - it's just a case of working together to bring it into sharp focus.

So I invite you all to check out the new id-coaching website - and I'll follow my own advice and ask for help again here - if you see anything incorrect or not working on it please tell me!

Enjoy the day

Simon

http://www.id-coaching.co.uk/

Paralysed by fear

I've noticed recently that some of my clients have a fear about getting divorced which can be paralysing for them. Witnessing people who are successful, confident and incredibly powerful people, become so doubting of themselves when making a decision to change something that's making them unhappy is a phenomenon that I see regularly, and it goes beyond normal uncertainty about what might happen after a big change.

So what's the fear about?

In coaching we refer to a concept called 'the Saboteur'. It embodies the part of yourself that has a glass which is firmly 'half empty' (sometimes there's no glass at all!) and it tells us all the reasons why doing the thing which may bring us joy and fulfillment, may in fact do the complete opposite and cause the sky to fall. So we do nothing.

When confronted by this - ask yourself 3 questions:

1. What's really at risk and what is the real likelihood of the worst case scenario happening?
2. What are 5 other outcomes that might happen as well as the 'best' and 'worst' case scenarios?
3. What will change if I do nothing? (hint: it will change - nothing stays the same!)

Think about the areas in your life where your Saboteur is running the show - then take control back!

Have a great week.

Simon